The truth about being on Come Dine With Me

A few years ago I was a big fan of CDWM, and because I love to cook I always wanted to be on it. This was Series 1 & 2 time you understand, a time at which the cooking rather than the bitching between contestants was central to the programme.

My husband always told me it would be a bad idea - and how right he was !

One day I heard an advert calling for contestants in my area, so I emailed in saying I was interested. Two days later I had a phone interview, the following Monday I was asked if they could come to my house to do the audition tape Wednesday that week and the snowball had started careering out of control.

They get you to a sign a five page contract on the day they do the audition tape, and of course in your naivety you blindly sign your life away. And sign your life away your do, plus you soul, plus your reputation. It basically gives them the right to do whatever they want and they most certainly do.

Two weeks later I was told I was "in" and a week later the cameras rolled. Now let me tell you a few facts - and I can as the gagging order you sign only last for the six months after your programme first airs, no super injunctions here.
1. The producers have in mind for you a role that you will be playing, they will then do everything to make you fit into that role.
2. Linked to this is the fact that when they ask you questions, you are told to answer the question with the same wording, with the reasoning that the viewers won't have heard the question being asked. YES, they literally put words in your mouth. They might then ask the same questions several times, telling you to make it longer, shorter, etc until they have the sound bite they need.
3. They cut down about 60 hours worth of tape to the programmes you see, so they have plenty of choice as to how to portray you.
4. At the dinner table, people are given topics that they might 'like' to talk about when the cameras are rolling.
5. Only one person is allowed to talk at a time (unlike at normal dinner parties) as otherwise the cameras can't keep up.
6. There are LOOOOOONG breaks between the courses as people go off and get interviewed. So when you see dessert being served at 1 am it is often not the host's fault. With only one camera crew available things take time.
7. Most evenings finished at about 2.30 am. On my night the crew left at 5 am !
8. When you are cooking, you are not allowed to let things flow naturally, you often have to repeat what you are doing. So for instance, I had to take onions out of the pan and start again, stir with my left rather than my right, take all my shaped bread rolls and reshape them.
9. People do not turn up randomly at your door. The production team sends taxis about 2 hours before filming starts. Every contestant then sits in their own taxi outside the host's house and the production team decides which order you go into the house in. I ended up taking a book with me, as some nights you sat there for over an hour.
10. Similarly the cab home is just a set. There is one black cab, with the film crew in it. You get in, they go round the block at 20 miles an hour, you do a short, medium and long version of your scores, then get kicked out into your waiting mini cab.
11. And the biggest disappointment to most people when you tell them - NO ONE SNOOPS ROUND YOUR HOUSE. The film crew agrees with the host beforehand which areas of the house may be visited. The production crew then picks two people from the guests to go to a certain part of the house, tells you what to look at, and tells you to make a comment on it.
12. Your menus have to be finalised and sent in before the programme starts, you do not get told about people's preferences, whether they are vegetarian or have allergies - this is why sometimes there is a problem with the food. For instance, I have an allergy but no-one told the other hosts, who had to change some of their food on the hop.

So, if you like being manipulated, having your character scripted for you, and losing 6lbs in a week because of the stress, audition for CDWM, otherwise stay away. And remember, this will follow you for the rest of your life - as so far for instance, my edition has been repeated 6 times. Even my friends and family no longer comment on me being on TV again, 'coz they are bored with it.

Oh, and 'yes' you will get recognised in the street/shop/ France ( the latter was funny ! ) and people will write about you in blogs and on forums, which means that the whole thing is very character building and you will quickly develop a thick skin.

I for one, have had enough of being on TV, and although I have been asked to audition for other shows, I have gracefully declined.

The trouble with sex

I have nothing much to say on this matter currently - only my husband suggested I mentioned it in a blog, as I would get more readers ! I shall report back.....

Men and their toilet moments

Now the toilet habits of men and women are completely different, as anyone who has lived with a member of the opposite sex can attest to.
Women are furtive about their toilet habits, and would prefer others to think that they do not have bodily functions of that require toilet visits. Also, despite usually having more clothes to take off, women tend to be in and out in a matter of minutes.
A man will announce his impending toilet visit to all and sundry, will admit to enjoy going to the loo, and spend ages reading in there. Many a man will claim that he reads in the loo because it's the only place where he can get peace and quiet, but I just don't buy it. It makes me wonder whether they are just naturally more constipated that women, or if they actively enjoy sitting in a place that's let face it, is not usually a prime spot to hang out in. One ex told me that men actually enjoy their number twos ( see being a woman I can't even bring myself to say "having a shit" ) because it stimulates their prostate glands. Saying that, he was weird so I don't know whether to lend this any credence.
I have a Facebook friend who is married to a real life friend of mine, who actually does status updates on his bowel habits, and his friends comment on them. Can you imagine a woman doing this ?
Which brings me to farting. Women are usually deeply embarrassed to  admit that they actually do, but men will brag about it, have competitions with their mates and be proud of "clearing a room". Evolutionary Psychologists claim that men farting is a way of marking their territory - but then as evolutionary theories are non-falsifiable, I am not so sure. If this is the case, why do they set fire to them ? And believe me they do - it was another ex's party trick to do this !

My Toyota MR2 Roadster

For those of you not in the know, the Toyota MR2 Roadster is a sporty little two seater, that essentialy goes quite fast and above all looks cool.  For those of you in the know, mine is a pre-face lift, non modded silver with red cloth interior MK3 ( this would all make sense to those not in the know, IF you had ever read the following forum MR2 Owners Club ).

I like this rear view (ooooer) 'coz she, and yes I have actually personified this car, because she looks all mean and moody. Reason there are grills in the back, is 'coz that is where the engine is. Until I joined the above Owner's Club, I also didn't realise that a number plate ending in JDM is also pretty cool, as it stands for Japanese Domestic Market - and apparently anyone who is seriously into these car will insist on "Japanese Domestic Market" parts. So now you know another totally useless and unimportant fact.

And this is her from the front/side

Call it a midlife crises but about 2 years ago, I decided I really NEEDED and not just wanted a sportscar. Initially I had my heart set on an Alfa GTV, but at a budget of 1k, the ones I saw were complete turkeys, plus Alfas are well known for being unreliable.

In April after a rather traumatic event in my life, which I may talk about in another blog, I decided that life was literally too short and to finally go for it and buy a sports car.  A typical midlife crises reaction in other words, for a 41 year old married woman with a small child ! As I pointed out to my husband, it was either that or having an affair..... So, I upped my budget to 2k, looked for other sportscars, really liked the look of the MR2, and that same weekend, bid and won the above beauty for a mere £2,100. I am now the stereotypical big boobed blonde in her toy sportscar.

I now finally understand why people actively enjoy driving - because I just love being out and about in her. Mostly with the top down, I am embracing the windswept look. She is fast, handles like a dream and people look at me ( hey it's that vanity again). Only downside, mid engined, rwd (rear wheel drive, again for the uninitiated) can be a bit of a handful in slippery or wet conditions - and with no traction control you really do have to watch what you do. It's a rough ride ( again with the ooer ) compared to my 'normal' car but I prefer her in every way. I even like the fact that her interior, what with her being 10 years old, is a little ratty and worn. So what if the CD skips when I go over bumps ?

I have become so obsessive I actually wash her and wax her, something I have never ever done in my 24 years of driving a car. I go to owner's meets , where we all meet at an agreed spot, stand around, admire each others cars and then look at each other's engines..... in short I HAVE BECOME A  CAR GEEK. I regularly visit the various owner's forums to chat about my car and their cars. I wave and flash my lights at other MR2s as I encounter them - which is not that often as they are quite a rare breed, unlike the common as muck Honda MX5 which as a true MR2 owner I obviously don't like. Compare and contrast the stats.

This is how many MR2s there are left
This is how many MX5s there are left

Initially I was going to have a few months of fun with her ( hang on I sound like a bloke ), but am now looking for a garage to keep her in over winter. It seems my midlife crises will go on a little longer yet ! If you want to join me and acquire your own Mister, beware of the oval bore, pre cat failure and the death rattle......

The vanity of it all

So, I use the internet every day - I NEED to check Facebook every day and feel cut off from the world when I don't have access to my comfort blanket.
I have been toying with the idea of writing a blog for months if not years. The question is, is it a modern way of keeping a diary or is it pure vanity and that you think other people would want to read your random musings......
Which reminds me of Twitter. What is the point of it ? As far as I can work out, and I speak from a not very sound knowledge base seeing that I have never even looked at Twitter, it's all about gaining as many followers as possible and then publishing all the mundane and not so mundane details of your life.
Which is fine, but why do we think others would want to know ?
How do celebs even find the time to publish things, and why do they, seeing they are always complaining about having their privacy invaded ? The conclusion I have reached, is that it's all just one big ego thing. People follow me, read what I am up to and may even tweet back - hence I must be interesting and well liked. It's just a thought, and I am happy for people to point out the flaws in this argument.
In fact, some might argue that what I am doing here, is expecting people to read my thoughts, hence thinking I am more interesting than I actually am, in short this is all about my vanity ! I'll just have to keep on writing and see what develops.